Why to Plan for Aggression (in Trauma Healing)

We've all had the experience of helping someone who needs it, only for them to "turn on us," seemingly out of nowhere. They snap at us out of sudden anger. They make a snide or sarcastic comment that unexpectedly takes us aback.

It’s hard not to take these moments personally.

And it's essential that we don't.

When I was in engulfed in depression, after sexual assault, I isolated myself while longing for connection. I wanted people to reach out, but when they did, I would notice myself internally attacking them.

I responded with gratitude to the outreach, but inside I wanted to push others away. I saw myself responding to their care with internal aggression. It mystified me.

All they had done was show care and concern. Why was I acting like they did something wrong?

It all made sense when I learned the physiology behind what was going on. Once I understood the biological mechanism at play, I used it to my advantage to heal. (And now, I help my clients do the same.)

Here’s the issue.

When we’re healing from shutdown, we naturally move through momentary aggression on our way to feeling safe with others again.

That’s because activation from the original stress response (that caused the shutdown) is still locked in the body. The stress response needs to release and complete before we return to our natural state of wellbeing.

The stress response shows up two ways: aggression or avoidance. Avoidance also damages relationships in the long-term, but aggression is harder to deal with.

Here, we’ll focus on the aggression that arises as a natural part of the trauma healing process. I call these spikes of aggression the "kickback,” because of the sudden and forceful recoil they create.

When we know the kickback is coming, it’s less likely to take us by surprise — and we’re less likely to shame and judge ourselves and others.  

Being on the receiving end of another person's kickback doesn't feel good. When we don't understand what's happening, we're tempted to withdraw support at the precise moment our support is working.

Understanding the kickback doesn't mean that we forfeit our boundaries or allow others to treat us poorly, just because they're suffering.

By understanding the physiology of what’s happening, we get clearer on our internal process, improve our ability to support others, and show them how much we truly care.

The Aggression Kickback 

People who experience, anxiety, or depression are often in a state of shutdown and collapse.

Maybe it was in response to an event, or a series of ongoing stresses, but we experienced high-intensity stress responses that overwhelmed the nervous system.

At some point, our nervous systems simply could not handle the intensity, so they went into shutdown.

This collapse is a physiological nervous system response and not a conscious choice. The nervous system’s natural and protective reaction is to conserve what little energy remains and shut down.

But the black hole of collapse has its own gravity.

And the physiological state of collapse influences our thoughts and feelings, changing how we navigate our relationships and the world. 

When we’re in collapse, life appears flat and meaningless.

We experience a sense of despair and listlessness.

It's difficult to focus on work or relationships.

We forget to do the things that bring us pleasure, like going for walks in Nature or sitting down for a meal with friends.

From this state of shutdown, it's easy to panic and wonder if this is what life will be like from now on. 

But retracing our steps shows the way out.

Just as we went from feeling good, into a stress response, then into collapse, the way out is to move out of collapse and back through a stress response. The aggression that comes up in the kickback is the “fight” part of a stress response.

If we know how to navigate it, we can move through the kickback and get back to feeling good again.

If it startles us or others, it’s easy to blame the aggression and let it stop our desire to connect. When that happens, we end up back in shutdown.

The kickback is not pretty. It’s devoid of social graces. It might even be sharp and abruptly painful.

It might look like we’re pushing help away. Others might respond by withdrawing support until we “act right,” or even call us ungrateful. We might start to think that there’s something wrong with us or we’re not worth helping.

That’s when we feel hopeless and frustrated, like there’s no way out.

We can become even more stuck, drowning in looping thoughts and the sinking feeling that something must be wrong with us for pushing away the connection we long for.

If we’ve caused others to withdraw from our aggression, it’s easy to imagine that no one can help us, or cares enough to try. From that place, it’s easy to turn to destructive coping behaviors, and even self-harm.

I hope what I’m sharing here makes it clear that there’s another way.

We can’t let the kickback stop us. We must keep going and move through the stress response, into the safety of connection. 

But what do we do with the charge the kickback carries?

It’s easy to startle and find a reason to retreat, because we don’t know how to handle the energy of aggression, especially if it’s directed inward or at someone we love.

If we’re on the receiving end, it’s easy to take the kickback personally, or try to make it mean something, when it doesn’t. It’s just a biological response on the path towards healing.

Instead of reacting with a stress response of our own, we must seize these moments like the flaming torches of hope they are. We need to see beyond the aggression because the kickback is a good sign.

This uncomfortable energy is aliveness and health rushing back into the nervous system.  

Knowing this, we have the tools to read the situation accurately. We can respond with caring and calm, knowing that the kickback (our own or someone else’s) doesn’t have to mean anything.

If we stay steady and centered, we can digest the stress response and move ourselves into the safety of connection.

When we know the kickback is coming, we can buffer for it and respond with care as the nervous system activates to reengage.

We can see the kickback as a short and necessary stage to pass through, before feeling connected to life again.

Here are some tried-and-tested ways to work with the energy of aggression and channel it towards healing.

How to Navigate Aggression in Trauma Healing

1. Know the kickback is coming. 

Moments of aggression or avoidance are a natural and predictable part of the healing process, as someone emerges from collapse and tries to connect with others. Prepare for it because it tends to take us by surprise and knock us out of emotional balance.

2. Recognize and normalize it.

Speak to what's happening without judgement. Explain that the aggression is a natural and temporary part of healing. Be mindful that the other person is likely experiencing heavy layers of shame. Say, for example, "I get that you're feeling activated at this moment. It will pass. I'm right here with you."

3. Don't take it personally.

Do your best to stay calm, caring, curious, and compassionate. Your ability to stay present and loving with them will be palpable. Let them see and feel that you're not upset. The other person will notice this in your body, and it will spark a sense of shared safety. The emotional resonance you’re creating will help them down-regulate their nervous system and neutralize their stress response, simply by connecting with you.

4. Set appropriate boundaries.

You are not target practice. As you practice navigating the kickback, it might be necessary to communicate your boundaries and how you need to be treated. Try to do so without getting activated into a stress response of your own. Remain steady and calm, without reacting. Remember, it's not personal. Stay with the process and stay present with yourself.

5. Double down on support.

The aggression needs an outlet. The energy from the stress response must release from the body for the system to return to normal. This can look like walking, shouting, breathing, or shaking. Invite gentle movement. Encourage them to calm their nervous system until they come back into a state of connection with you.

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Trauma, anxiety, and depression all heal through connection.

When we know how to navigate the natural energy of aggression that comes up when we emerge from a state of collapse, we effectively support ourselves and others to heal.

This way, we don't leave anyone behind.

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