Why Stress Keeps Looping (and What to Do About It)

There are certain ways that I experience stress that create the feeling that I am on an endless loop, replaying my sensations, thoughts, and emotions to myself.

It’s excruciating.

Realizing that I’m experiencing the same stress response over and over again doesn’t make it stop. Awareness alone isn’t enough to stop it.

When I try certain things, like taking a deep breath, or giving myself some space from the situation, I generally feel like the stress is nearby, just waiting for me. “Take your time, enjoy yourself!” I can hear it shouting from the bleachers. “I’ll be right here when you’re done!”

When I can’t get rid of my stress, it’s easy to think I must be doing something wrong. I think there must be some reason that I’m feeling this way and try to find it. But introspection doesn’t relieve the weight of my stress either.

I feel a sense of the stress closing in like a soft claustrophobia around my heart. I want it to be gone.

I have found that the invitation is to meet the stress head-on. Instead of trying to fix or banish it, my experience is to practice being present with the stress.

Science says that we need to complete the stress response, to get it out of our system. Otherwise it loops.

If you don’t know how to complete the cycle, the stress is going to build and build, until you’ve reached your threshold and collapse with overwhelm. As a leader, unless you know how to complete a stress cycle, you are eventually going to burn out.

Completing the Stress Response Is an Essential Part of Healing

Connecting to ourselves or others is the bridge out of the stress response. We let our nervous system know that we’re safe by connecting. Experiencing connection lets us know that we are seen and supported, even if we are providing that witnessing and support to ourselves.

Connection helps the body shift back to homeostasis and complete the stress cycle. Connection can mean connecting to others or also connecting deeply to ourselves.

When we feel safe and cared for enough to relax, connection takes us to the "tend and befriend" end of the stress cycle. This is the power of connection, to take us into a state of wellbeing, where we feel safe and social again.

For those of us with trauma in our past, during stress it can be especially hard to connect. But it’s worth the work it takes to create because connection is healing.

Connecting to Self

Even if we have others around, it’s good to know how to use self-connection to complete a stress cycle for ourselves. When we know how to self-care our way out of a stress response, we have a way to stop the stress looping on replay.

Self-care starts with being present with ourselves.

On my own, when I feel the stress build up, instead of trying to escape it, I sit with my sense of slow panic and breathe into my lower belly.

As I breathe, I feel myself and the activation of my stress response. I use mindfulness to cultivate a sense of loving kindness towards myself.

I often feel my heart racing, my arms and legs feel light, and that my mouth is dry — all common features of inflammatory stress hormones adrenalin and cortisol rushing through the body. I try to stay as mindful as possible and stay connected to myself.

When I get distracted or dissociate, I gently reconnect to the breath and bring my attention back to the feelings in my body. As many times as I wander off, I gently bring myself back again.

After about a minute of somatic mindfulness, I can feel a natural shift.

I haven’t done anything. I haven’t fixed anything. Just by being present with myself and connecting to my sensations completes the stress cycle.

Of course, there are other ways to complete a stress cycle on your own, including movement, laughter, and any kind of self-expression and creativity. Shifting your body into a state of enjoyment will end the stress cycle.

When I started to practice meeting stress with connection, I noticed a shift in myself. I was more relaxed and open. I breathed a little easier and moved at an easier pace. 

Over time, there was less looping and overwhelm. I wasn’t trying to change or fix anything except how I met myself.

Connecting to Others

Connecting with others will also complete a stress cycle. Physical affection from people you care about is an amazing way to create connection.

This is most easily accomplished by activating oxytocin, aka “the cuddle hormone”. It only takes 20 seconds of hugging to shift the body’s oxytocin and create connection. Longer periods of safe and nurturing touch have significant physical, mental, and emotional benefits.

Physical affection is healthy and healing.

Those of us who didn’t receive much physical affection as children might find it very hard to receive nurturing touch. You might need to practice, and that is okay! It’s worth it.

Allowing your body to relax in the safe company of others is an ancient and basic need.

Our nervous systems attune to each other as a way to self-regulate. We need other people around us for our social health. Our body needs the physical assurance of other bodies to fully relax.

Connecting with others can be challenging, but it’s worth it.

Stress and the Pandemic

Stress is the defining common experience of the pandemic. Do you know anyone in the last two years who hasn't been anxious or depressed?

Data from a year ago had US adults reporting four times the amount of anxiety and depression as they did pre-pandemic. Today, that number is definitely higher — and even higher for people in low-income countries around the world.

It’s normal if you’re feeling exhausted, depressed, anxious, and overwhelmed. I hope this has encouraged you to explore how the power of connection can support you.

The power of connection is simple, powerful, and available to each of us. It can shift our experience of ourselves and each other and help us awaken to how interdependent we truly are.

*

If you enjoyed reading, I hope you’ll share this with someone you care about.

If you’d like more of my writing — plus special workshop and retreat invites I only share with my community — I invite you to sign up for my email list below.

Thanks for being here.