Warning Signs of Antagonistic and Entitled (aka "Narcissistic") Relationships

Relationships with people who act entitled and grandiose confront our sense of fairness, our values, and even our sense of self. “Less about you, more about me,” a friend at university used to say. “You just don’t have what it takes,” an old boss would say while replacing my name with his on a briefing paper I’d authored and forwarding it to the division’s directors. 

At first, I thought they were joking. Then mild shock gradually gave way to horror. Did they not care that people responded negatively to their behavior? Did they truly not notice their impact on others? Did they not care what other people thought?

The answer is no. They didn’t care.

They truly believed they were better than other people — whether they were taught that in childhood or it was a defense mechanism to avoid trauma-induced shame.

Their entitled and grandiose behavior was an obvious disaster for their relationships, yet they rarely noticed the fallout. On the rare occasions they did, they quickly assumed the victim role and blamed others, while at the same time absolving themselves of all responsibility. 

It was dizzying to watch — and even more confusing to participate in. “Make it make sense,” I remember saying to myself in exhaustion.

It's easy to get stuck trying to find the logic in antagonistic or entitled behavior. This is especially true of intimate partners, but it's also the case with friends, bosses, and colleagues.

Grandiosity and entitlement are increasingly rewarded in global culture, especially in business and professional endeavors that require ruthlessness and an implicit lack of empathy. But what serves someone well in the boardroom doesn't make for a fulfilling relationship.

Those of us with trauma histories are particularly vulnerable to getting stuck in harmful relationships with partners who behave in an antagonistic or exploitative manner. The popular term to label people like this is "narcissistic," but I find that to be unhelpful. For starters, it’s shaming and stigmatizing. It’s also a character judgement that sets someone up to rationalize their bad behavior with no real prospect of positive change. That’s not accurate, either.

Character is not fixed. Behavior can always change — especially if someone is highly motivated by the prospect of a failed romantic relationship, a missed promotion at work, or the harmful impact their behavior is having on their children.

Antagonistic and entitled behavior is a choice. And choices are dynamic, moment to moment. Each choice gives us a chance to do something different, no matter how old or engrained behavior patterns might be.  

People with antagonistic and entitled relationship styles are often — but not always — unaware of the negative consequences their behavior has on others and the price they pay for it in their relationships at work, at home, and in love.

It’s even harder for partners of people who behave in antagonistic and entitled ways. Being on the receiving end of this constant one-upmanship and grandiosity takes a significant toll on our wellbeing and our self-esteem.

Especially if there’s trauma in the mix, it can be difficult to recognize the unhealthy patterns and act accordingly.

It’s helpful to know what to look out for. Couples’ relationship expert Terry Real, says "Love exists in a democracy. You can't love someone from a one-up or one-down position.”

Learning to identify common warning signs in antagonistic and entitled relationships gives us the knowledge and power to speak up and push back. Confronting it is essential. So is knowing when to leave.

But it's not easy.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula says that the partner on the receiving end of these behaviors suffers from what she calls the "DIMMER" acronym.

I want to explore that here, to demystify what antagonistic and entitled behavior looks like in relationships – particularly intimate relationships.

Dismissive

Dismissive partners devalue our opinions and perspectives. They might ignore or “forget” important dates, events, or preferences. They may also belittle our personal thoughts or relationship contributions. This shows up as criticism, sometimes even in front of others.

If our accomplishments don't meet their (often impossible) standards, they let us know — directly or indirectly. Receiving this behavior can be painful and humiliating and damage our self-esteem. Because our partners aren’t treating us with tenderness or care, we might even start to question whether we are worthy or deserving of love in the first place.

Invalidating

Partners who behave antagonistically and with entitlement often treat us like we don't matter. They're so engrossed in their own worlds that they don't appear to notice us or our needs. It’s easy to shrink when experiencing this kind of treatment, especially if we were unseen or neglected as children. It can trigger a painful trauma response where we try harder and harder to “deserve” attention and never quite get it “right.”

We may even question if we're asking for too much from our partners, and try to make our needs smaller and smaller. It's important to remember that our needs matter. We deserve to be seen and take up space. And we deserve partners who see and value us for who we are, not for our “good behavior.”

Minimizing

Partners who exhibit entitled and grandiose behavior often live by a double standard. There is one set of rules for them and another set of rules for everyone else. And if our justice mechanism gets triggered enough that we speak up about it, we often have a battle on our hands. They may refuse to rectify or even recognize it.

“It’s not a big deal,” they tell us, when we raise our concerns, “Why are you making such a fuss?” They deflect our upset and minimize our concerns, rather than taking responsibility. Conflict escalates when we don’t feel heard and our needs aren’t responded to. If our partners insist on minimizing, we often feel like we’re the “emotional” or “sensitive” ones — when in fact we’re raising perfectly legitimate points that need to be addressed in the relationship.

Manipulating

Manipulation is hard to see because it's often covert and only visible in the aftermath. It happens when our partners portray things in a certain way to direct or influence our behavior. "If you really cared about this relationship, you would..." is a common one. So is, "If you loved me..." This is controlling behavior. It’s also a warning sign that we are being set up to take an action that may be in their best interests, but likely isn’t in ours.

Manipulation often takes even more hidden forms. During confrontation, partners may use manipulation as a diversion tactic. This happens when they shift our attention from the matter at hand and start to question our behavior, motives, or even our characters. We thought we were discussing their behavior, yet suddenly we find ourselves defending and explaining our own behavior. I explore this dynamic in more detail here. 

Exploitative

When one person believes that they are "better than" another, it's easy for them to justify acting in an entitled way. If they think they hold special status and deserve special treatment, they can easily rationalize behavior that ignores consequences. This is especially painful in intimate relationships, which demand equality for intimacy to flourish.

Grandiosity enables exploitative behavior because if our partner believes they’re “better than” us, they are likely to treat us with meanness and contempt. They do this as a natural consequence of their imagined superiority, and to enforce and maintain their one-up position. Receiving their contempt inevitably leads to feelings of self-doubt, humiliation, and shame. Those of us with CPTSD and developmental trauma are especially vulnerable to getting caught in this trap.

Raging

Entitled and grandiose behavior is by nature intrusive and boundaryless. It oversteps our innate dignity in order to exert control, often through rage. This might look like verbal or physical abuse, or passively show up as withholding and the silent treatment.

People with grandiose behavior often feel entitled to react to the slightest provocation. We often respond by curtailing our behavior, trying in vain to prevent the emotional or physical violence of another outburst.

Rage is just as harmful when it's intermittent because our nervous systems don't know when to expect it or what will set it off. We respond with fear and limit our self-expression to avoid a rage response. The threat of rage can be used as a tool of coercive control, because we do what our partner want to keep the fragile peace.

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Learning about patterns in antagonistic and entitled relationships can be a wake-up call for bad behavior we've been trying to excuse for too long.

If you or someone you know is experiencing this dynamic, I hope this is helpful to orient towards next steps and get support.

If this behavior is something you do, I hope the clarity encourages you to change your ways.

Either way, I encourage you to get support from a trauma specialist like me or someone else who works with antagonistic relationships — preferably with you both as a couple, so you can heal this together.

It’s helpful to get backup to make sense of what's happening and to discern how to best self-empower to stand up for ourselves — and our relationships.

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