How to Self-Soothe (with CPTSD)

I want to jump in where my last article left off and explore how we learn to self-soothe, because many of us either have complex trauma (CPTSD) or are close to someone who does. I hope that mapping this further can help us become more aware of how our nervous systems interact to create safety and connection.

As I mentioned before, our ability to calm ourselves is relational. We learn it from other people, ideally as infants and young children. If we don’t learn it then, we hopefully learn to self-soothe as adults. But until we receive adequate and appropriate soothing from others, we can't self-soothe because we haven't learned how. 

If we don’t know how to self-soothe, we will look for external soothing from people, activities, or substances. We must get it from somewhere. But instead of looking externally for soothing, what we most need is to learn how to self-soothe reliably.

Who Can Teach Us How to Self-Soothe?

The question of where we receive soothing from is important. To a traumatized nervous system, being soothed doesn't come naturally.

For those of us with developmental trauma, our earliest relational patterns were of needing soothing but not receiving it. Often, we either had caregivers who got too close to us and overwhelmed us, or caregivers who were far too distant and neglected us. Sometimes, caregivers were a confusing mix of both at different times, too-close and then too-far, leaving us deeply uncertain about what to expect from others.

To heal this fundamental lack, as adults we need to learn how to receive soothing and pattern it into our bodies. We need others who are safe, trusted, available, attentive, and able to self-soothe well enough that they aren’t knocked off center by our overly activated nervous systems.

Being able to meet someone from a place of centered, loving presence is also called "attunement." Attunement happens when someone connects with us deeply and authentically, in a way that catalyzes a nervous system shift in our bodies, from an activated state to a relaxed one.

How to Recognize Soothing When It's Offered

Many of us with complex trauma (CPTSD) have an aversion to the softness, vulnerability, and slowness required to notice attunement. We may struggle to settle down long enough to receive soothing.

Because we may not have experienced attunement or soothing in the past, these experiences aren’t familiar and therefore often feel suspicious, unwanted, or even unsafe.

In some households, we may have been targeted, punished, or humiliated for showing those same qualities of emotional connection and care.

This leaves us feeling deeply averse to people who treat us with kindness. For example, we may find potential romantic interests "boring" because we don't know how to recognize emotional safety. We may find it easiest to belittle and dismiss it as a desirable quality in others. The same goes for friends.

Luckily, the capacity to relax when someone offers attunement and to receive soothing from them is hard-wired into our nervous systems from before birth. Babies instinctively synchronize their nervous systems with their mothers' nervous systems, especially when their mothers' nervous systems are settled and soothed themselves. 

The ability to synchronize our nervous systems with others' is a hardwired feature of human neurobiology. It never goes away. It's the foundation of attunement and what's called "emotional resonance," when our emotions synchronize to match the emotions of the people around us. Although emotional resonance is mostly unconscious, this kind of down-regulating can be consciously learned and cultivated.

Good news, right?

Our ability to attune to others, and feel good when they're feeling good, cannot be destroyed. We may have learned disruptive attachment patterns and not feel safe around people, but it’s never too late to relearn how to connect.

Each of us carries an inner blueprint for anchored and secure attachment in our nervous systems. It's there for us to access if we are open to risking the vulnerability of connection. No matter what we've been through, and no matter what's happening in our lives now, we can always learn how to receive soothing care.

How to Learn Self-Soothing

Soothing looks like a down-shift into rest and relaxation. It happens in the body.

Our breath slows down. We might swallow or sigh. Our bellies, shoulders, and jaws soften. Our heartbeats slow down. We might feel warmth in our lower bellies or in the center of our chests.

This relaxed state can be cultivated in a variety of ways. It also happens naturally when we receive a long hug, or when we're in the proximity of someone we are connected to who feels safe, trusted, available, attentive, and knows how to self-soothe.

How do we go about creating the conditions for our nervous systems to receive soothing? Here are some ways we can learn to do this on our own.

1. When you're with others, notice your body's micro-movements towards relaxation.

Each of us are hard-wired to respond to safety and connection with relaxation. I invite you to start to notice it, however small or insignificant it might seem. These shifts might happen when spending time with close friends or a beloved pet. They may also happen in group settings where there is a high level of emotional safety.

2. Map the physiology of attunement.

Notice when you're in a state of relaxation and start to focus on your body. It's helpful to map the signs of this down-shift so you can notice when they're happening. This might look like softening the eyes or jaw, dropping the shoulders, relaxing the abdomen, stretching, sighing, or swallowing. The signs will likely be subtle at first. Notice which ones are most obvious and use them as indicators that the relaxation shift is happening. Then, pay attention to what's happening in the rest of your body. It gets easier with practice.

3. When soothing is offered and it feels good, take it in.

Most of us need to learn how to self-soothe consciously. It starts with feeling safe enough to stay present when we're receiving care from safe and trusted others. How does the soothing feel to receive, in your body? Do you tense up? Do you want to turn away? Notice any potential reflexes to avoid, distract, or numb the experience. It takes courage to tolerate the closeness required to receive soothing, especially if vulnerability feels unfamiliar or unsafe. Connecting this way involves risk. It can also bring up memories or even flashbacks of relational trauma that need proper holding and care to heal. Please be gentle and patient with yourself. Learning new ways of being and feeling take time.

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Stepping into the unfamiliar terrain of connection to receive soothing and learn how to self-soothe is an invitation into uncomfortable and often emotionally painful terrain.

Sometimes it means acknowledging how activated we might be around receiving connection and care. But we need to cultivate awareness about what this lack of relational safety is costing us and our relationships. And we need to be present for the grief that can come up, when we see how much goodness we’ve missed out on because it hasn’t felt safe to relax and receive.

I hope this follow-up has helped to map some possibilities for what soothing and self-soothing might look like, in your world. It takes courage to learn, but it's worth it.

Don’t take my word for it. See for yourself. If you like, let me know how it goes.

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