What Most People Get Wrong about Boundaries

I was talking to one of my colleagues, a therapist, about an issue I was having with someone who wasn't hearing my boundaries. "You're not getting it, Elie," she said patiently, annunciating in a way that indicated she was about to share some deep truths with me.

"Boundaries aren't for him. They're for you." I paused. She paused. I could tell she was letting it land. But it took me a minute. "What do you mean?" I asked, my mind struggling to understand the concept. "If he doesn't listen—" I started to say. 

"No!" she said emphatically. "Who cares if he doesn't listen? They’re not for him. They’re for you. You're the one with the boundary. You're the one who’s responsible for respecting the boundary. You’re the one who needs to do something."

It took me awhile to shift my perspective, but when I did, boundaries finally started working for me. And when I say “working,” I mean that I could state my boundaries with confidence, because I knew that I wasn’t going to overstep them.

Boundaries are Not for Other People

Most of us think boundaries are about other people. We make our boundaries their responsibility. And when they don’t respond how we want them to, we judge them. They're not listening. They don’t care about us. They don't respect us.

Shifting the responsibility for our boundaries onto other people keeps us from effectively using boundaries for our wellbeing. It’s no wonder that we end up in power struggles, trying valiantly to stand up for ourselves, only to feel frustrated, manipulated, or resentful of others.

Boundaries are simply what is and isn’t okay with us, in our lives. Boundaries are for us. They are communicated to others from a place of self-knowledge and knowing we deserve to have our needs met. There are different kinds of boundaries, including physical, sexual, emotional, mental, financial, material, temporal, spiritual, and energetic boundaries.

Boundaries create safe space for intimacy and vulnerability because we know how to navigate our values and limits. They give us the power to take responsibility for ourselves in paradigm-shifting ways that open new possibilities for relationships to feel good. And they unlock our creative power because we feel confident in pursuing our needs and goals.

As adults, it's up to us to know what our boundaries are. Often, we learn this retroactively. Rather than blaming others for crossing our boundaries, it’s up to us to hold the line from a place of self-responsibility.

It's Easy to Give Away Responsibility for Our Boundaries

Here's the part that's hard for people to hear, especially those of us with unresolved trauma. If someone doesn't like our boundaries, it's not our role to change their mind. I know this is a big leap for many of us, so let's explore together.

We usually see people who push back against our boundaries as in opposition to us. Why won't they do what we say? Why won't they listen to us? We see their pushback as "us against them," an automatic power struggle.

When we polarize with the person who's a "no" to our boundaries, we think we're right and they're wrong. This happens so quickly we usually don't even notice it.

We often create a negative meaning about their "no" that makes them disrespectful or even uncaring. If they cared about us, wouldn't they care about our boundary? Don't they care about our needs? Do we even matter to them at all?

It's easy to feel upset and reactive when we experience another person's "no" to our boundaries. We feel like it's our responsibility to make them hear, listen, and understand.

But it's not.

I know this might feel strange to consider. It certainly did for me, the first few times I explored taking responsibility for my boundaries. But stay with me and I'll show you what I mean — and what this new perspective on boundaries can do for you.

As soon as we think we need to make another person understand or respect our boundaries, we've lost.

That's because this kind of explaining easily becomes over-explaining. We take responsibility for making the other person "get it," no matter how long it takes. We're invested in their response, instead of our boundaries and needs.

Over-explaining boundaries is the hallmark of an appease stress or trauma response (also called fawn or people-pleasing). It happens when we don't think we will be listened to or get what we need, so we try to force an outcome by pleading, cajoling, or manipulating.

For those of us with unresolved trauma, it's a common tactic. I don't want us to feel shame for noticing when it comes up. Appeasing is an automatic nervous system response, below the level of conscious awareness. It’s a stress or trauma response, which means it happens when we don't feel safe. 

Let's not judge ourselves for over-explaining our boundaries when we’re in an appease stress or trauma response. Attacking this wounded part of us, who learned that this was how to try for safety, will only push it into hiding, now more wounded than it was before.

What I'm offering is a perspective shift. When we notice ourselves over-explaining our boundaries, we can recognize that we don't feel safe and step in to take care of ourselves and our needs. (More on how to do that below.)

Our boundaries are our responsibility to understand. We need to know what they are and how to recognize them in the moment, when they come up. Boundaries shift and change, as we do, so a certain amount of dynamic adjustment is required.

Once we notice a boundary, it's our responsibility to communicate it appropriately to others, without expectations. It can be challenging to communicate appropriately in that moment, because we might not be confident expressing our boundaries or we might be fearful of a backlash if we do.

If they're a "yes" to our boundary, great.

But if they're not, that's okay too.

It's our responsibility to uphold and maintain our boundary. Not to convince others that they're wrong, or that we matter, or to threaten them if we don't get the answer we want.

We uphold and maintain our boundaries. It's not a negotiation.

Boundaries are Not Negotiations

Our boundaries aren't up for discussion. They aren't goalposts we can just move at a whim. They are our unique expression of what we need to feel safe and thrive.

We can't change our boundaries through self-guilt or trying to make them wrong. They're just a part of who we are, like our eye color or the shape of our toes.

We have a right to our boundaries, because they create the safety for us to feel good about ourselves, our relationships, and our place in the world.

People with relational trauma often feel shaky around boundaries because we see them as a battleground.

We're used to having our boundaries and needs minimized, dismissed, disrespected, and even attacked. We expect it to happen, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy because we don't give ourselves the opportunity to learn the self-assertion required to hold a boundary.

Here's how we do that.

It starts with the premise that our boundaries are non-negotiable. Holding a boundary is an exercise in self-regard that builds self-confidence and self-esteem. We show up for ourselves, our needs, and our values. And each time we do, we get a little stronger and a little better at it.

It's excruciating in the beginning but trust me, it gets easier every time.

How to Practice Holding a Boundary

1. Stand your ground.

Remember that your boundaries won't change if you abandon them. They'll still be there, festering with resentment and pain because you're not caring for them or yourself. It can help to recognize that your boundaries aren't trying to be difficult. They're an authentic expression of your values and how you show up in the world. You owe it to yourself to notice and express them.

2. Give yourself emotional support.

Standing your ground is hard. It can feel high conflict to hold a boundary when another person is being forceful or aggressive, or ignoring the boundary and hoping you'll give in. Remind yourself that your needs matter. Boundaries are a practice, not something that you'll get right every time. All you can do is show up for where you're at and be assertive about what's okay with you and what's not.

3. Express the boundary with clarity.

Communicate your limits, and what your response will be if the boundary is not observed. This can include leaving the situation, communicating the boundary violation to others, or even ending the relationship. It's helpful if you know your response to their "no" ahead of time and have a plan for what to do. Trust yourself here. You are allowed to step away and protect yourself from people who don't respect to your boundaries.

4. Follow through with your commitments.

If the other person is a "no" to your boundary, you need to do what you said you would do, in response. This can be hard, so go easy on yourself and take it slow. You don't need to take immediate action. Give yourself some time if you need to. But follow through with the consequences you expressed. This will continue to build your self-confidence and self-esteem. 

5. Expect to feel guilty.

Those of us with relational trauma were often punished for setting boundaries. We collapse and assume no one will care about our needs, and go into an appease stress or trauma response, often without realizing it. This takes time to unlearn, so be gentle with yourself. When you hold a boundary and follow through with consequences for someone else, you'll feel like you did something wrong, or even worry that you hurt them. Keep the focus on yourself and celebrate that you did something new and difficult. The guilt means you’re growing.

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When we place the responsibility for our boundaries on other people, we give away our power and authority. Boundaries create an opportunity to see who other people are. We get to decide if their character is a match for our values and if we want them around.

It can be challenging to begin asserting ourselves, but when we do, the people who care about us will celebrate our emerging power. And the ones who don't? Well, it's better to know who they are sooner, rather than later, so we can show them the door.

I'd love to hear how all this exploration about boundaries resonates with you. Reach out anytime to let me know what you think.

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