Mapping Our Attachment Style
One of the most damaging things about trauma is how it impacts our ability to create emotionally attuned relationships that support our health and happiness. Our perceptions of the past are clouded by the weight of our nervous system.
It’s difficult to remember good things from the past and we doubt even our happiest memories. The present is filled with distress and overwhelm, as our nervous system tries, and often fails, to self-soothe. And when we look to the future, the place where our dreams should be appears dark and empty, with little possibility of relief.
Trauma has a gravity that is disconnecting at its core. It fractures our sense of self, our trust in others, and our perception of the world.
But the loneliness, fear, and overwhelm that unresolved trauma creates intrinsically wants to heal. Our emotions are the body’s version of a car’s flashing indicator lights, warning us that we need to stop, pay attention, and make a change.
The price we pay for unresolved trauma shows up most clearly in our relationships with others. As if the pain we’re carrying inside gets magnified out and distorts our ability to relate to others in ways that feel good and supports our wellbeing.
This is especially true around how we relate with — and attach to — our partner.
The Importance of Good Relationships
Humans are social creatures who thrive in collaboration. We need others to survive, and our nervous systems work best when we feel safe and connected to others. When we have a secure relationship with our partner and other people we rely on, we feel able to withstand the stresses of life.
We thrive when we have a partner and friends who check in on us and care how we’re doing. We can relax knowing that when we’re feeling down, we trust there will be people who support us. And we feel safe in the knowledge that our relationships can withstand the occasional conflict or misunderstanding.
Being connected to people we can trust and depend on creates the relational safety that makes life feel good. Knowing that there are people who reliably love us creates the confidence to take risks and achieve our fullest potential in life.
Research is clear that, if we don't yet have these kinds of secure relationships in our lives, we can learn how to create them.
Even if we have had difficulty forming and sustaining rewarding relationships in the past, we can train ourselves to relate in healthier ways. When we do, we enjoy all the benefits of supportive, secure connections — advantages like improved mental wellbeing and physical health, increased resilience, and a stronger support system.
It’s important to know that we can change our relationship styles, because trauma can make it really challenging to feel safe around people. Even, and sometimes especially, around people we care about and are close to.
No matter what we've been through, or the current state of our relationship health, we can learn how to create nourishing relationships.
We just need to get clear on a few things first.
Mapping our Attachment Style
Research on attachment theory illustrates how our earliest relationships shape how we respond to others. We pattern our relationship style, or attachment style, on how our mother, father, or our primary caregivers responded to our needs.
As adults, we are often unconscious of these early childhood influences and the role they play in determining our relationship style. When we become aware of our patterns, we can make different choices that are more aligned with our love and values.
There are two main influences that impact whether we are relating in a healthy, connected way: anxiety and avoidance.
They combine to create four different attachment styles that pattern how we operate in relationships, so I like to put them on a matrix:
Let’s explore each one to see what feels familiar. We’ll focus specially on our relationships with our partner, who becomes our primary attachment figure, just like our childhood caregivers were.
1. Secure attachment style
If we have low anxiety and low avoidance, we have a secure, or anchored, attachment style. This is the optimal attachment style because it creates a foundation for fulfilling relationships. If you don’t relate this way, don’t worry — secure attachment can be learned.
We see our partner as trustworthy and reliable and know they will be there to support us when we need them.
When our partner expresses vulnerability, we see this as an opportunity for deeper connection.
We feel comfortable with intimacy and encourage closeness.
During conflict, we self-regulate our nervous system and communicate to find common ground.
2. Anxious attachment style
If we have low avoidance and high anxiety, we have a predominantly anxious attachment style.
We see our partner as unreliable and inconsistent and are hypervigilant to the threat of abandonment.
We hear our partner’s words as critical or rejecting, even when they’re expressing care or support.
We feel anxiety or even deep fear when our partner is away or unresponsive and try to create safety by repeatedly reaching out for reassurance.
We have trouble communicating our needs because we’re afraid rejection, and often become dramatic when we finally voice our concerns. This creates the potential for high-intensity conflict.
3. Avoidant attachment style
If we have low anxiety and high avoidance, we have an avoidant attachment style.
We see our partners as needy or clingy, and view expressions of emotion as inherently weak. Because of this, we struggle to provide adequate emotional support to the people we love.
We withdraw from vulnerability or closeness and may not realize how our behavior creates emotional distance in the relationship.
We avoid difficult conversations and shut down during conflict, retreating into ourselves or stepping away without signposting that we will return.
We feel uncomfortable with intimacy, detached, and numb. Because of this, we avoid emotional closeness, and minimize the importance of connection, saying things like, “I’m better off alone,” or “I don’t need anyone.”
4. Anxious-avoidant attachment style
Many of us with unresolved trauma have both an anxious and an avoidant attachment style. The nervous system dysregulation that trauma creates shows up as an anxious-avoidant attachment style in relationships. It can be really challenging to navigate, for us and for our partner.
We see our partner both as a source of comfort and a source of fear. We want to be close while also protecting ourselves from them. This “pull-push” dynamic can be confusing and appear inconsistent to them.
Emotional vulnerability is activating and feels unsafe, so we go from avoiding expressing emotions, to intensely sharing how we care. Our partners can find this disorienting and may struggle to trust us when we are vulnerable.
We find it difficult to self-regulate our nervous system, so we look to our partners to soothe and calm us. This can put a strain on the relationship because we are outsourcing our self-care.
Because it doesn’t feel internally safe for us to express needs or emotions, any sign of conflict can feel unsafe. We often behave in erratic and disorganized ways that make it hard for our partner to adequately respond.
It’s normal to feel a sense of heaviness when we see ourselves in less-than-ideal attachment styles. It can be tough reading about the impact of trauma on our attachment style. But remember, attachment styles are dynamic, and change is always possible.
It’s easy to blame our caregivers, especially if we experienced abuse, neglect, or developmental trauma in childhood. We need to grieve that. And while they are responsible, even if they did the best they could, it’s not a very empowering frame.
It’s our agency that determines what happens next.
That’s why understanding attachment styles is part of healing cycles of intergenerational trauma. Because once we learn this, we can choose to do better than our parents or caregivers were able to do.
Learning our attachment styles, and those of our partner, can be an eye-opening way to navigate relationships. It gives us opportunities to step into different behavior and to consciously create healthier, happier relationships.
Choice is a powerful place to stand.
If this is new to you, please be gentle with yourself. Go slow, and know that every time you notice something new, it's an opportunity to choose a different way. I’ll have more to say about how to do this in the future.
For now, especially if you have trauma, know that you can build secure attachment into your relationships. And that there is goodness and thriving available to you when you do.
Please be good to yourself and to each other. This is how we heal — together.
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