Belonging

I grew up in international schools, where there's a constant turnover of children from all parts of the world, moving from who knows where. Worse than being the new kid was being the kid the others decided not to include. 

Human beings are relational. We make meaning out of the connections we see, the patterns in the world around us, the bonds we create with others.

Psychologists say that there is no greater social fear for humans than being cast out of the group. From an evolutionary perspective, nothing instills a deeper sense of dread or terror. Even the thought of being excluded is enough to cause some people physical stress.

Our need to belong makes sense. Humans are a cooperative species. We thrive on collaboration because it allows for greater complexity. Working together, we advance the good of the group.

Cast out, in the early days of civilization, meant we had to fend for ourselves in a wild and hostile world. For most, this would mean an almost inevitable and unpleasant death.

Although being socially excluded is not the same as being physically cast out of your home, it's part of the same spectrum. We feel it in our bodies the same way, with the same stress response.

Belonging is so important to us that it's often part of our stories of separation and deep wounding. I can remember occasions in childhood when I was excluded cruelly or was part of excluding someone else, and I'm sure you can too.

Exclusion and belonging are part of the same dynamic, and at the core is a need to be seen and cared for, as a member of a group. On an animal level, I don't think we realize how much connecting to other people means to us and how valuable it is for our long-term well-being.

Our health improves when we're around others, especially others we care about. Isolation, physical or even perceived, creates significant and lasting stress which causes chronic health issues.

Connection equals well-being, and happens when we feel a sense of belonging.

But how many of us deeply feel that we belong in the world?

Really?

And without our helping/impacting/serving/changemaking work, how many of us feel that we truly deserve to be here?

So many of us changemakers over-identify with our work and use it to ascribe value to ourselves. It's not that we feel bad about ourselves per se, it's just that we feel so much better when we're…helping.

In a perfect world, the desire to share, give and be of service comes from a place of wanting to create connection and belonging.

It's like the quote from the Aboriginal activist group in Queensland in 1970s, often credited to Lilla Watson, “If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.”

I find it impossible to separate my experience as a privileged white woman raised in Africa from my desire to help the poorest people there thrive. It helps when I recognize that my work to be "of service" is ultimately serving myself, giving me an opportunity to belong and contribute to a story of empowerment and change.

I love that story, and I love what it feels like when I'm a part of it. Belonging to a community that has a story about the future you want to be in is important. Whether you have that in your life right now or you don’t yet, I hope you'll join me in creating more belonging for ourselves.

Each of us has a personal language of what it means to belong, but connecting to people we care about is a sure way to create more of a good thing.

As we co-create the world we know is possible, I wish for you a sense of deep belonging. I'm so glad you're here.

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